At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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