I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
