I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
