just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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