They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
