And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
