Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
