I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
