Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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