i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
