Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
