the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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