i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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