you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
