Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
