If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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