I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
