She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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