dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
