its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
