I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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