he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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