fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
