I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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