Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
