My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
