The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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