Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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