dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
