so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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