Your dad touched me again.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
