Did you just see the Batmobile???
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
