there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
