there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
