Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
