I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
