Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
