Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
