I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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