My girlfriend figured out who you are.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
