I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
