Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
