its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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