If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
