...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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