I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
