There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
