Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
