She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
