made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
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